Interesting

I have not weighed myself for nearly 2 months. I've been eating what I wanted, when I wanted. I've been walking the dog but not doing much else by way of exercise. I haven't been thinking about food all the time.

Last night I was out with friends having an awesome meal at Chinta Ria, followed by a thoroughly decadent chocolate overload at Lindt Cafe and then a quick visit to the Pumphouse pub all accompanied by liberal quantities of wine.

This morning I decided to have a look at the numbers. I was a little apprehensive, surely all this not worrying about food and exercise would have to translate into consequences on the scales?

I weigh exactly what I did last time I stood on the scales.

(Bet my cholesterol levels haven't changed much though :P)

Being everything I can be

I read a post on Nat's blog this morning that got me thinking. Here's the bit that gave the old brain cells a prod:

...even now, 'just' 52 kilos lighter I am much more of a person than I ever was before.

This seems so shallow but it reinforces my belief that we categorise ourselves and filter our world through our obesity...just like someone who is depressed. And this stops us from sharing so many of our good qualities with others. We allow ourselves to become less of a human being. We allow ourselves to watch the rest of the world go by. I am certain that there is the rare human who weighs 150 kilos and takes part in everything, but I'd be certain also that they are RARE! How many of us have sat back and said no to something, or not taken part in something that we really wanted to because of our weight? Or has our weight physically limited us in such a way that we can't do something because of it?

Having made the no more WW decision, I have to acknowledge that there are physical limitations associated with my size. I want to go horse-riding but unless there's a something like a Clydesdale-Thoroughbred cross on hand that's pretty much a no-go. I'm hesitant to go ice-skating because the last time I did I was in some serious pain in my feet in a very short time, I'm planning on testing the (frozen) waters on Saturday though. I wish I could do the free fall thing at Questacon, but I wouldn't fit in the jumpsuits they have and I can't support my weight with my arms. I'd like to fit easily into seats in restaurants, theatres, aeroplanes and the like. There's more but I'm actually having a hard time thinking of things to add to the list just now. There's lots of things that would be easier if there was less of me but which I do anyway.

The thing is, I've been on a bit of a journey of self-discovery too in the last few years. And it's happened not because I lost weight, but in spite of my weight.

Here's something I wrote back in September last year:

I made a conscious decision years ago that my feelings of discomfort would not stop me from doing with my kids all the things we should be doing together as a family. So I decided I would go places with them, swim at public pools and at beaches, run around helping with soccer coaching (that one only lasted as long as David's interest in soccer). And then I started doing stuff for myself. I wear sleeveless tops so I can be out when it's hot without expiring. I bought clothes using the primary criteria of comfort rather than to hide my body. I went out on a limb and met people I knew from the net. I stood up in front of a theatre full of strangers and led a sing-a-long. I ended up on film doing the same (it's in the Sydney Q&A bonus feature on the Serenity DVD) and when I watch that I DON'T cringe, laugh at the geekiness yes but the physical me? that I'm ok with.

Since then I've done more. I've taken up jewellery making and managed to sell some of my creations - I've never thought of myself as creative or artistic so this came as a bit of a surprise to me. I've dressed in dark ages period costume and participated in a living history display at a public event - being in the public gaze like that is hard. I've taken on the P&C presidency at my kids' school - each time I run a meeting I'm conscious of being the fat person sitting at the front of the room with everyone looking at me (I'm sure none of them care what size I am, they're all just grateful they don't have to do my job but still, I feel exposed). I went for a job interview and convinced someone to hire me - my last job interview was 14 years ago and I was sure at the time that my (then much smaller) size was the reason I didn't get the job (nonsense of course). I went out dancing and had a great time - need to do that more often.

Every day as I get dressed, as I move around, as I pass a reflective surface, I am confronted by my body. How I fit (or don't) into my clothes, how I get hot and sweaty so very easily even in the middle of winter, how my reflected image sometimes makes me smile giving me a spring to my step and sometimes makes me wince and yank at my shirt trying to cover up the bulges (as if another layer of cloth somehow makes them invisible :P). I smile at myself more often now than I used to.

I don't know why I was able to choose to at least sometimes put aside that filter Nat mentions. It's not gone, at best I see double, but that seems to be enough.

I like who I am. I'm happy with what I'm doing with my life. There's an effort involved but I suspect that's not unique to being fat.

Could I be more, if there was less of me? I don't know. But I do know that I'm being all that I can be now and that is good enough.

Done with dieting

I'm not doing the Weight Watchers thing any more, haven't been for quite some time now. I was getting nowhere, making myself miserable and ending up binge eating on a fairly regular basis. Since I stopped dieting (and make no mistake about it, Weight Watchers is a diet) my weight has stayed stable, my binging has drastically reduced (I still have the occasional episode if I'm feeling really down) and I'm feeling pretty much OK about myself.

I had blood tests done a few weeks ago and all the numbers came back good except my cholesterol. Which isn't particularly surprising given that my fairly slim mother and average sized sister also have high cholesterol. What really pleased me was that my iron levels were good. I've been pretty anaemic for a long time because of my B12 deficiency problems (pernicious anaemia to be precise) so apparently eating what my body asks for rather than "what I should be eating" is a good thing in that department. The cholesterol issue though, well, when it was measured about a year ago it was significantly lower. And I know why. That was back when I'd been diligently avoiding saturated fats for a fairly long stretch of time. So clearly there is something I can and should do about that.

Here's what I figure I need to do:

1. No takeaway food! - Meal planning is the answer to this one, when I have a plan the groceries get bought and the cooking gets done even when I'm not at my best. There's something about not having to make a decision that makes all the difference. I've been posting my dinner plans here occasionally and I'll do that each week plus I'll make sure I keep the pantry and fridge stocked with a good selection of breakfast and lunch options so I'm not tempted to drop in at Maccas instead of coming home and making something.


2. Make sure I'm getting my 2 fruit and 5 veg a day - This happens best when I track my eating, I won't be counting points, agonising over whether something is core plan or not, or worrying about portion sizes, I'll just be writing it all down at the end of each day as a reminder to myself to fuel my body properly.


3. Avoid saturated fats like the plague - this is mostly addressed by the no takeaway point, apart from that, the main thing is I need to give up butter again (stop pretending I'm buying it for baking and then using it on my toast :P), pretty much everything else I buy is ok already.
   


4. And finally, lots of walking - Clara should be pleased about this :)

For now I don't really care whether or not I end up losing weight, I just want to see that cholesterol reading heading down again. I like the way I feel when I've been eating well and exercising regularly but I don't like the stress and pressure I feel when I'm constantly calculating points and having to assess every bite I put in my mouth, I just can't keep that up for too long and when I cave I binge. And that really sucks. Not going there any more. Just not. Luckily, eating well and exercising don't depend on doing the other!

Thinking differently & Weigh-in week 12

There's this thing that happens when every thought you have about food is about restrictions, when there's a moral overtone to decision making, when all the time the idea of failure is lurking in the back of your mind. It drives you slightly nuts.

I was starting to feel like I was fighting with myself all the time, it was all about what I shouldn't do, what I couldn't have, what I ought to avoid. Switching to Core has helped a little, much less of the counting and calculating and having to assess whether I could "afford" to eat even something that I knew to be perfectly healthy. It wasn't enough though, I could still feel the rebellious me waiting for a moment of inattention, poised to spring into the driver's seat and take me careering down the path of binge eating, takeaway dinners and a total lack of vegetables. This past week I was VERY distracted apparently and it has been less than wonderful on the food front. The scales at weigh-in this morning showed just how bad, 2.5kg gained. Bugger. That brings my total back to 7.6kg lost. Plus, I felt really crummy.

So I've been mulling it over and I think I'm beginning to find my way towards a solution, these aren't new ideas, but this is the first time I've felt the truth of them rather than just giving a token nod and not actually taking them on board.

I need to turn it round so that I'm concentrating on positives instead of negatives. I need to convince myself that there is no forbidden food, that I can in fact have whatever I want, whenever I want on one proviso - the food I eat must be feeding hunger and not just emotion.

I want to get to the point where I only eat food that will make me feel good for longer than the time it rests in my mouth. It must be the food my body really needs. Otherwise there's nothing to be gained by eating it. I need to be engaged in a process of finding the right answer to my body's and my mind's demands for comfort.

There are questions to ask myself before eating: Am I actually hungry? Will this food satisfy this hunger? Will I feel good 20 minutes after eating this food? If I can answer yes to all of those questions then well and good. If the answer to any of those question is no then the next step is to work out what's really driving the urge to eat and find other ways to satisfy that drive, because if hunger isn't the problem, food won't fix it and I just end up with something else to feel miserable and stressed about (or possibly even physically sick, which NEVER helps).

In the spirit of baby steps, this week I plan on concentrating on the first question, "Am I actually hungry?", and see if I can't get my head around the whole listen to your hunger signals thing. It's something I haven't been willing to tackle up to now, so I'm feeling quite excited to discover that I'm ready to go there.

I want to gain health, fitness, energy and enjoyment of physical activity for its own sake. I want contentment, peace and to have enough emotional reserves to be the mother, wife, daughter and friend I aspire to be. I want to spend more time feeling capable and less time floundering around barely scraping through the day.

And I'm going to have those things.

Link-fest No.1

Not sure how often I'll post one of these, probably whenever I've collected a decent number of links and before they get too out of date.

On Alas! A blog Myca links to a series of essays titled "Christians in the Hand of an Angry God" posted by bradhicks on his LJ. (The LJ posts are 3 years old but still well worth a read.)

blue milk is asking "What does a feminist mother look like?", subsequent posts on her blog have some of the answers she's received. I may get around to posting my own response eventually.

Kate Harding has a post on Shapely Prose titled "Reality vs. relativism" about dieting and weight loss surgery.

Some of my friends had a great time at the Hub convention on the weekend, Leish has a recount on her LJ: Muhneys and Mcnabs and kangaroos, oh my!