OOTD - Another new necklace!

I'm off to Caitlin's second dance concert of the week tonight and I'm taking my new fabulous fat necklace out for a spin

Tunic - Autograph

Leggings - Target

Shoes - Mathers

Necklace - Definatalie

I didn't get a close-up of the necklace in the outfit I'm wearing now, but here's the one I took the day it arrived in the post.

Swimming

I can't remember learning to swim, though I do remember swimming lessons, specifically taking the life-saving course at Pymble pool in the summer holidays while my younger siblings were learning to swim and going to the school swimming scheme in primary school. I know diving clicked for me when I was 9 and we were in Tahiti on our way to the US where my dad was going for a 4 month sabbatical. There is also the family story of sibling rivalry wherein I was going without floaties for the first time at 3 years old and my sister, 21 months younger than me, decided that meant she could too and plunged straight to the bottom of the ocean pool.

I have so many cherished childhood memories of swimming. Out beyond the breakers with my uncle and cousin, body surfing and ending up with a cossie full of sand on numerous beach camping holidays. Floating on airbeds in the Kangaroo River, again with our cousin. Canoeing and swimming in Smiths Lake and swimming out to help my sister and cousin who were having steering issues with their canoe. My sister and I swimming out to the pontoon in the middle of the bay at the resort in Crete and FREAKING our parents out because it was so far off shore, I was 14 (Dad swam out to "rescue" us, we beat him back to shore by a long shot and then he got disoriented on the way back and ended up off to billy-o around the shore-line). At 15 years old, going to the YMCA in Boulder Colorado on a Friday night for a family outing at the pool, in winter, and stopping off at Baskin and Robbins on the way home. Getting up at 6am to go with my Mum to the local pool to swim 1km before breakfast on school days during my HSC year.

By the time that last one was happening I had well and truly reached the point where I felt uncomfortable in a swimming costume in public. It was an effort to go to a public pool and take my clothes off, the less time there was between removing my shirt and getting in the water the better. I was about half the weight I am now.

When I had kids I made a conscious decision that my issues with my body would not stand in the way of them having the fun of beaches and swimming pools and all the things that I loved so much when I was a kid. I made that decision long before I'd even heard of Fat Acceptance and it was hard to follow through on. For a long time I had to have at least a day's notice before a trip to the local swimming pool, I needed to psych myself up to it and wake in the morning knowing that we were going. Going on beach camping holidays was an exercise in being tense and hyper self-conscious for a whole weekend, or a whole week. Even being in my in-law's backyard pool was challenging, not that any of my in-laws have ever said a single word to me about my weight, but still.

Me, David and Caitlin in Adam's parent's pool

But I did it and I'm glad I did. For one thing I have photos like these and the memories to go with them.

Caitlin



David



Me



Me, Caitlin and Tom

I had conversations with small children at beaches who informed me, as small children will, "You're fat!" and I found that I could respond with humour and be ok.

Me, David and Caitlin (and my mum's arm)

I got to be the one teaching my kids how to watch the breaking waves and decide to either jump over or dive under. (With help from Grandma!)

Me, my Mum, David, Caitlin and Thomas

David boogie boarding

Last summer I tended to be the one behind the camera, but I was still there, at the beach and the pool, in my swimming costume and in the water.

Adam and Caitlin

Adam and the kids.

This summer I plan to make sure I'm in the photos again.

50 Things post No. 2

On being fat and visible

This is something I've been meaning to do for a while, it's kind of my little bit of Fat Activism and the reasons for doing it have been written about by a bunch of other people much more eloquently than I'm up to doing at present (or ever probably).

The short version* is that I'm fat, I'm ok with that and I'm going to share pictures of myself because it helps to drive home the message that fat people are, well, people. People like me. People who are entitled to be treated with respect and dignity and not vilified, objectified and othered as we so often are by discourse in the public sphere and even sometimes by casual conversation amongst our friends.

And we also quite like having awesome clothes to wear, but DAMN are they hard to come by.

So, instead of always being the one behind the camera

I'm going to try and remember to hand it over to someone else more often

and then I can post more of this

sort

of thing

along with the occasional "look, I'm wearing something other than jeans and a t-shirt!" Outfit of the Day type posts.

Enough with the old photos, here's a couple of new ones. First up, just in case anyone missed the other places I've shared this:

New hat!

We went to Strand Hatters on the weekend because Adam wanted a new Akubra and of course, when one is standing around in a hat shop waiting for someone else to make a decision, one tries on hats. Once I'd put it on there was no way I was going home without it. It's the Akubra Jazz and I luffs it.

And secondly, today's outfit of the day.

Top and skirt - Autograph

Boots - can't remember where I bought them but they're Giovanna ones

Tights - We Love Colors

*The long version is a whole bunch of links to other people writing about fat acceptance, no reinventing the wheel for me today.

There are so many wonderful writers (and just all round fabulous people) out there in the fatosphere and I was lucky enough to meet a number of them a couple of weekends ago when I went along to the Art Exhibition and Spoken Word event ‘Bodies Abound’ that was held in conjunction with the Fat Studies conference at Macquarie University (which I didn't go to but really wish I had). There are plans afoot for another conference next year and there'll be no keeping me away from that!

For your reading pleasure:

Definatalie - "Ridiculous outfit, serious topic"

"I blog about my outfits (real and ridiculous) because I’m passionate about the visibility of fat bodies. I don’t care if people don’t like what I wear and I don’t care about trends – I blog because fat people are dehumanised and made invisible and if I’ve got a platform and an audience, I’m going to take advantage of it to normalise my body and bodies like mine."

The Rotund - "Low Fences; Why, Yes, FA IS Difficult"

"Y’all, I really do love Twitter. I love the immediacy of it, sure, but I also love the way the 140-character limit kind of forces you to be concise. You know I’m not really super at being concise but I try! And I managed, in my melatonin-assisted state last night (I take melatonin to help manage my low-grade insomnia), to say a couple of things that I think bear repeating.

Self-hatred cannot continue to be the status quo.

and

The response to “I hate my body” should never be “Have you considered weight loss?”

Split Milk - Talking about diet talk

"It’s offensive to talk to me about losing five kilos to be in a ‘healthy weight range’ when I would ‘need’ to lose forty. It’s offensive to talk about how gross your fat is, how ‘bad’ you are for eating, how desperately you want to keep from gaining too much weight in pregnancy, when you are standing right beside a fat person. You may not mean to disparage my body in pointing out the ‘flaws’ in your own, but you do. So don’t."

Spilt Milk - Acceptance is not "giving up"

"My body, today, is good enough to go to the gym or wear a new dress or dance or have sex or play on the floor with my kid or to run up the stairs at work, even if I jiggle and even if I sweat and get out of breath. (Thin people sweat and get out of breath, too, although it’s apparently only disgusting or humorous when fat people do.) My body, today, is worth taking care of and will still be next week or next year, whether I lose weight or not."

Fat Heffalump - Australian Fat Studies Conference: My Paper

"Collateral Damage in the War On Obesity
A perspective on how the “War on Obesity” affects someone who is obese, and whether any of those effects are of any use to the obese person."

The Discourse - Fat Stigma: We know it exists, but what do we do about it?

"It’s a no brainer that fat discrimination exists. There have now been a whole bunch of studies done, predominantly in the USA and Australia, about the prevalence of fat hate (sometimes called weight bias), people’s experiences of it, and how it impacts on their lives."

Fat Dialogue Blog - Control Top Underpants at 'Bodies Abound'

"I wrote the piece I've included below for 'Bodies Abound' about my fat body taking on a pair of control top underpants. I didn't write it as a humourous piece, but people laughed, and I got into the absurd poignancy the piece does pick out, and really enjoyed giving the reading.

Well....at least I hope the laughter was supportive!"

Link-fest No.10 now with DUFC!

Stuff for you to read.

A whole series of posts at Hoyden About Town on the subject of the proposed
"Harmonisation" of Disability Parking Permit Schemes in Australia - for harmonisation read narrowing of eligibility criteria - and the need to protest against the proposal. There are open letters to use in adding your voice to the protests and a Facebook group to join.

I am Dr Tiller - "This website was created as both a memorial to the lifework of Dr. George Tiller and as a living testimony to the courageous lives of abortion providers."

The Mum Files - a new project from my lovely blog-friend Lisa and her friend Ligia, click on over and say hello!

JoGeek at Unapologetically Fat has been posting a series titled Sewing At Any Size which almost makes me want to haul out my machine and start creating. But only almost. I do, however, expect these posts to come in very useful when I eventually force myself to get some more re-enactment costumes made.

The 13th Down Under Feminists Carnival is up, this month it's hosted by Demelza at SAHM Feminist.

Point me at your interesting finds in the comments people!

Quick Hit: The Gruen Transfer

In tonight's episode of The Gruen Transfer the challenge for the segment titled The Pitch, in which "two of the advertising industry's finest agencies are pitted against each other and challenged with selling the unsellable", was as follows:

"We live in a country and culture obsessed with thinness. Every day and in every way, plus-sized people are made to feel inferior. Ostracised. Ridiculed. Humiliated. Yet the truth is, more Australians are overweight than skinny. We want a campaign that will end Shape Discrimination, that will make people who can't squeeze into model-size clothes feel better."

One of the ads submitted was deemed by the ABC to be not suitable for broadcast but fortunately The Gruen folks were able to make it and an in-depth panel discussion about the ad available on-line. The ad, the panel discussion and the comments on the site are all well worth a viewing, you'll find them here: The Foundry's Anti-discrimination Ad.

I found the ad that did air pretty damn offensive. I do understand why the ABC chose not to air The Foundry's ad and there are problems with the execution of the idea, but what an idea! I'm way too tired and inarticulate to do any proper analysis but I'm very much looking forward to the discussions that I'm sure will be coming on a number of my favourite blogs.

Interesting

I have not weighed myself for nearly 2 months. I've been eating what I wanted, when I wanted. I've been walking the dog but not doing much else by way of exercise. I haven't been thinking about food all the time.

Last night I was out with friends having an awesome meal at Chinta Ria, followed by a thoroughly decadent chocolate overload at Lindt Cafe and then a quick visit to the Pumphouse pub all accompanied by liberal quantities of wine.

This morning I decided to have a look at the numbers. I was a little apprehensive, surely all this not worrying about food and exercise would have to translate into consequences on the scales?

I weigh exactly what I did last time I stood on the scales.

(Bet my cholesterol levels haven't changed much though :P)

Link-fest No. 6

Feel like reading something silly? There's a new post up on yogabeans!

A review of Deadwood on Heroine Content.

Train your goldfish with a training kit from ThinkGeek.



Ninja cat comes closer without moving



PhysioProf and Dr Isis are engaged in a recipe war. I find it oddly compelling.

The Vorkosigan Companion will be mine.

My lovely friend Susan has a new blog featuring cats and vegan food porn for your reading pleasure.

And lastly, The Rotund has managed to convince me that taking the kids to Disneyland/Disney World might not be a completely terrible idea. Caitlin will be ever so grateful! LOL

It's been a long day

You know how I said I might try ice-skating today? Well, I did.

I was really apprehensive because I had memories from the last time I tried, years ago, of being so distressed that all I wanted to do was hide somewhere and cry. I remembered that my feet had been in agony but I couldn't remember what it had been like on the ice. Was I still able to skate (I used to go regularly for sport in high-school and had taken lessons when I lived in the US) or was it just an exercise in frustration and humiliation?

Turns out I can still skate. Sort of. But the feet? OMG OW! No doubt it was partly down to the crappy hire skates but I'm quite sure it wouldn't be nearly so bad if I was lighter. All the pressure of my 130kg resting on thin metal blades instead of spread across the soles of nice comfortable shoes had me in some serious pain after only 2 circuits of the rink. Damn. I wonder if it'd be bearable if I had my own skates? I've coveted my own pair for many, many years and at least now I wouldn't grow out of them. Anyway, I made Caitlin happy by giving it a go (we arrived a short time before Caitlin's friend and her mum) and I was able to help her friend get started by doing another 2 circuits (whimper!) the first time holding her hand the whole way and the second time just being encouraging as she tottered around on her own. After that Caitlin took over the hand-holding and coaching duties and I got to sit and chat and let my feet recover.

I think the reason I couldn't remember being still able to skate from last time was because I'd been so overwhelmed by the pain and humiliation of my fat getting in the way of being on the ice, this time the pain was still there but the humiliation is gone, so no wanting to cry.

Caitlin and friend's arm

My very wonderful mum had the boys this morning, I also dumped the dog on her with the suggestion that she and the boys could fill in the time by going for a walk - this is less cheeky than it sounds because my mum is a going for walks fanatic. She volunteered to look after them so that I'd be able to give Caitlin some one-on-one time, which was great, but it did mean that although I was already half-way to the city I had to go back home and retrieve the other 2 offspring before heading back into the city to meet up with people for Nixy's birthday party at Lowenbrau.

I decided to relax my no toys at the table rule and let them bring something to keep them occupied in the hope of having a relaxing lunch. HA! It kinda sorta worked...for a while. I still spent a significant portion of my lunch time trying to quash squabbles, begging not to be whinged at and threatening to cancel the planned trip to the movies to see Clone Wars tomorrow.

This pic is a touch blurry but the expression on Tom's face just had to be shared

We ordered the platter for 2 to share amongst the 4 of us but it still defeated us.

Happy Birthday Nixy!


(We found Adam's and his brother's steins in the glass cabinet at the end of the table there.)

David refused to give me the dessert menu until I'd taken this photo. This was the last of the relatively harmless silliness. After this it got a bit ugly *sigh*

The afternoon culminated in a fairly impressive melt-down from Tom complete with tears and screams of "I hate you" directed at his brother. Note to self: the times when you really hope they'll be on their best behaviour, expect the worst, when it doesn't matter, they'll be angelic, that's just the way these things work.

We got back to the car and they asked to listen to Abba on the way home. They all sang along for the entire trip. We got home and they'd transformed back into reasonable human beings and have played happily together for the rest of the day. And now they're asking for food.

How can they possibly be hungry? There was all that MEEEEEAT!

*goes to conjure dinner*

PS. I need a foot massage.

Being everything I can be

I read a post on Nat's blog this morning that got me thinking. Here's the bit that gave the old brain cells a prod:

...even now, 'just' 52 kilos lighter I am much more of a person than I ever was before.

This seems so shallow but it reinforces my belief that we categorise ourselves and filter our world through our obesity...just like someone who is depressed. And this stops us from sharing so many of our good qualities with others. We allow ourselves to become less of a human being. We allow ourselves to watch the rest of the world go by. I am certain that there is the rare human who weighs 150 kilos and takes part in everything, but I'd be certain also that they are RARE! How many of us have sat back and said no to something, or not taken part in something that we really wanted to because of our weight? Or has our weight physically limited us in such a way that we can't do something because of it?

Having made the no more WW decision, I have to acknowledge that there are physical limitations associated with my size. I want to go horse-riding but unless there's a something like a Clydesdale-Thoroughbred cross on hand that's pretty much a no-go. I'm hesitant to go ice-skating because the last time I did I was in some serious pain in my feet in a very short time, I'm planning on testing the (frozen) waters on Saturday though. I wish I could do the free fall thing at Questacon, but I wouldn't fit in the jumpsuits they have and I can't support my weight with my arms. I'd like to fit easily into seats in restaurants, theatres, aeroplanes and the like. There's more but I'm actually having a hard time thinking of things to add to the list just now. There's lots of things that would be easier if there was less of me but which I do anyway.

The thing is, I've been on a bit of a journey of self-discovery too in the last few years. And it's happened not because I lost weight, but in spite of my weight.

Here's something I wrote back in September last year:

I made a conscious decision years ago that my feelings of discomfort would not stop me from doing with my kids all the things we should be doing together as a family. So I decided I would go places with them, swim at public pools and at beaches, run around helping with soccer coaching (that one only lasted as long as David's interest in soccer). And then I started doing stuff for myself. I wear sleeveless tops so I can be out when it's hot without expiring. I bought clothes using the primary criteria of comfort rather than to hide my body. I went out on a limb and met people I knew from the net. I stood up in front of a theatre full of strangers and led a sing-a-long. I ended up on film doing the same (it's in the Sydney Q&A bonus feature on the Serenity DVD) and when I watch that I DON'T cringe, laugh at the geekiness yes but the physical me? that I'm ok with.

Since then I've done more. I've taken up jewellery making and managed to sell some of my creations - I've never thought of myself as creative or artistic so this came as a bit of a surprise to me. I've dressed in dark ages period costume and participated in a living history display at a public event - being in the public gaze like that is hard. I've taken on the P&C presidency at my kids' school - each time I run a meeting I'm conscious of being the fat person sitting at the front of the room with everyone looking at me (I'm sure none of them care what size I am, they're all just grateful they don't have to do my job but still, I feel exposed). I went for a job interview and convinced someone to hire me - my last job interview was 14 years ago and I was sure at the time that my (then much smaller) size was the reason I didn't get the job (nonsense of course). I went out dancing and had a great time - need to do that more often.

Every day as I get dressed, as I move around, as I pass a reflective surface, I am confronted by my body. How I fit (or don't) into my clothes, how I get hot and sweaty so very easily even in the middle of winter, how my reflected image sometimes makes me smile giving me a spring to my step and sometimes makes me wince and yank at my shirt trying to cover up the bulges (as if another layer of cloth somehow makes them invisible :P). I smile at myself more often now than I used to.

I don't know why I was able to choose to at least sometimes put aside that filter Nat mentions. It's not gone, at best I see double, but that seems to be enough.

I like who I am. I'm happy with what I'm doing with my life. There's an effort involved but I suspect that's not unique to being fat.

Could I be more, if there was less of me? I don't know. But I do know that I'm being all that I can be now and that is good enough.

Still doing the Weight Watchers thing

It just went a little haywire there for a while. For most of February I'd been feeling really down, overwhelmed by the smallest things, unable to get going on anything much, grouchy, stressed, wanting to spend my days curled up in a corner in denial of reality and generally pretty unpleasant to be with. Then suddenly, for no apparent reason, in the last few days the grey clouds have lifted and life is good again. It's weird but it's good, I wish I knew why 'cause then I might be able to do something if things go bad again.

I was trying on clothes this morning and found myself grinning at my own reflection and thinking "you're ok girl, we can do this" (apparently I became plural for the purposes of self pep-talking), which may have something to do with recording a 1.1kg loss this morning after several weeks of gains due to out of control binging, or maybe it's just because I suddenly feel like me again. So here I am almost back where I started and very oddly feeling pretty damn good about myself, my body as it is here and now, and life in general.

I also had one of the people I weighed tell me she loves coming to the meeting because I and the other staff are so wonderful - that helps with the ego boosting too ;-)

(If you're wondering what happened to my weight loss ticker, I got sick of looking at it every time I blogged so I stuck it right down the bottom, it's still there and I'm still updating it but you have to scroll all the way down to see it.)

Link-fest No.2

Fillyjonk at Shapely Prose has something to say about making the most of the body you're living in now instead of waiting till you're thin.

John Scalzi has finished the manuscript for Zoe's Tale shares some thoughts about the writing process.

I found my way to yogabeans! via Fussy - surreal....

I recently discovered Pioneer Woman, she writes a pretty good love story, takes gorgeous photos and cooks with a truly terrifying amount of butter!

Nat made me teary

Tardie aka Nat has a post on her blog today in which she shares a story that brought tears to my eyes, it's titled "Shh...let me tell you a secret..." and here's a few extracts (go read the whole thing though, won't you?)

Once upon a time there was a young girl who loved to swim. In truth, she just loved being in the water. She loved the beach, the pool, the bathtub - it didn't matter what it was, she just loved the water.

She quit competitive swimming at 15 and with one thing and another found herself joining Weight Watchers with a long journey ahead.

...the middle aged little girl is now becoming friends with other people that have a lot of weight to lose, and a whole heap of them (some bigger than her) are talking about going swimming or finally having swimming lessons.

And the middle aged little girl is jealous. She's jealous because she misses the water - she misses the feeling of gliding almost effortlessly through the water and being weightless - at least for a little while. And she yearns for the water. But she's terrified. Going swimming is exposing herself in a VERY public way and she's never been very good at that. In fact, she sucks at it.

But despite it being such a difficult thing to do, Nat took herself and her family to the pool this week and swam...

At last she is in and allows the cool water to embrace every part of her being. And she weeps because she feels as if she is home. This is where she was meant to be.

I'm so incredibly happy for her that she's been able to reclaim the joy of swimming and also glad that someone else gets some benefit from my (and others') braving of the public pool. I reckon it's cause for serious celebration whenever we manage to stop thinking "I can't until..." and start thinking "bugger that, I'm doing it anyway!", so here's to you Nat and to all of us big girls - carpe diem and stuff what anyone else thinks!

And here's my secret. It's not that I don't care what all those strangers think, I do because I'm human and I can't help but be aware and care about the public gaze. Thing is years ago when I found myself not wanting to do things with the kids because of how I felt being vulnerable in public I decided I had to chose which was more important, my ego or the kids' childhood experiences. And the kids won hands down. So we went and did things like spending the day at the beach with me in the water with them despite my discomfort. I might still be very much aware of how I look but I can choose how much I let that matter, how much I let it influence my decisions.

Back then I would need a day or two lead up so I could psych myself into being able to put my swimmers on and take my t-shirt off. In the last year or so it's getting easier, last summer I even allowed myself to be persuaded to have a dip in a good friend's backyard pool in a borrowed rash vest and my undies! (A VERY good friend lol)

Buying the bikes has been another breakthrough. I'd been waiting for the time when I'd lost enough weight to not feel completely ridiculous on a bike, plus I was scared I'd just break it! Then I found my way to Sarah's blog "Fat Girl on a Bike" and had to take a good hard look at my excuses. Now I can't wait to get the wheels spinning when we head up to the Hunter Valley...though I'm still a bit scared of breaking the bike and I do look ludicrous in my helmet, but doesn't everyone?

Resolutions

I'm not much of a fan of New Years resolutions normally but I do have a few things in mind this year. I've already made a start on all of them which makes me feel more comfortable talking about it because I figure I've avoided the New Years resolution jinx, you know, the one where anything you resolve to start in the new year is guaranteed to have fallen by the wayside within a week at best.

So, first up is my shiny sink (FlyLady code for a clean and tidy kitchen) . It's been shiny for a week so far and it's such a nice thing to wake up to a pristine kitchen...even if the rest of the house is still in a state of chaos. I'm not going to make grand plans to have everything else under control in some hopelessly optimistic time frame, instead I resolve merely to maintain the shiny sink. If other things start falling into place then well and good, and if not, well, at least the kitchen will be functional.

Next is the "shiny sink" for downstairs - the laundry. I have, at present, no mountain of clean washing waiting to be folded and only 2 (I think) loads of washing waiting to be done, one of which is swimming stuff from today. I have been folding as I go for a change instead of dumping it all in a big pile to do later and then spending the next week or so doing archaeological digs in search of matching socks every morning. I rather like knowing where all my clothes are and the kids are able to dress themselves without me being involved at all - YAY!

Last is my fitness. I'm sick of feeling like I'm encumbered with a body that doesn't really feel like mine. I want to feel at home in my skin, be strong, fit and able. In the past I've fallen into the trap of thinking that if only I lose the weight everything will start to feel right. I'm coming to the realisation that that is nonsense. It's all part of the Fantasy of Being Thin - as Kate Harding puts it - and it makes you put off doing the things you want to "until". Well, bugger that! I'm going to start doing stuff now, what may or may not happen with my weight is another matter entirely. Hence the bike buying. Also, for the last week, I've been getting up and doing weight training every other morning, and I have that lovely "oh yep, those muscles have been working" feeling all over. Today I added my first cardio workout to the mix, I swam pretty much non-stop for just over 30 minutes, I went slow and there was a lot more breaststroke than freestyle but it's a start. Mostly I plan on getting back on the treadmill but while the weather allows I'll get in a pool when I can. So, there you have it, 30 minutes every day minimum, alternating cardio and weights, and we'll see where it goes from there.

On a lighter note, we got fortune cookies at our friends' New Years party last night. I'm rather taken with mine.

"Confucius say: if you think we're going to sum up your whole life on this little bit of paper, you're crazy."

Happy New Year everyone :)

Link-fest No.1

Not sure how often I'll post one of these, probably whenever I've collected a decent number of links and before they get too out of date.

On Alas! A blog Myca links to a series of essays titled "Christians in the Hand of an Angry God" posted by bradhicks on his LJ. (The LJ posts are 3 years old but still well worth a read.)

blue milk is asking "What does a feminist mother look like?", subsequent posts on her blog have some of the answers she's received. I may get around to posting my own response eventually.

Kate Harding has a post on Shapely Prose titled "Reality vs. relativism" about dieting and weight loss surgery.

Some of my friends had a great time at the Hub convention on the weekend, Leish has a recount on her LJ: Muhneys and Mcnabs and kangaroos, oh my!